It has been weeks since my return from Nepal and I have so much to catch you up on. First, upon returning to the states I was met with a an overwhelming sense of sadness and felt incredibly depressed about so many things, leaving my team, the beauty, serenity and tranquility of the Makulu. But before we go there… lets go back to the mountain.
This team I have been with for the past twenty four days has been so supportive of me. I have been thinking a lot about the people we align ourselves with.
As I slept, I kept hearing messages about protecting my dreams and ideas. I hear her voice telling me keep things to myself. She reminds me to only share my dreams with people who really lift me, nurture me and love me.
This is what I am thinking about….
Who are the people who really love me?
Who are those people who really believe that I can get there?
Who are those who surround me who want nothing in return… who take nothing and give everything?
This evening around the fire, Hasita talked about the importance of aligning myself with spirit… doing what I do from a place of generosity and genuine support. I have been thinking a lot about the people who have entered my life in the last ten years.
Who are those that are good for me? Who are those whose time has expired?
On this team alone I have discovered how to align myself with people who I know will be in my life for the rest of my life–and these seven womyn are here for as long as I am breathing.
I am learning so much about not just pushing myself beyond any limitations but really listening to the messages my body is constantly sending me. There are moments that my mind drifts from all the beauty I am experiencing on the mountain filled with this sense of freedom but then suddenly jumping into this abyss of anxiety, stress and sadness. Why does depression creep in even during moments of happiness? Why are moments of joy sometimes overshadowed by darkness? And how do we get back?
Today I checked my email and there was a beautiful email from my father:
Tu madre esta muy cansada. We are both so tired. I am working so hard so that we can retire together and enjoy the rest of our lives.
Remember the day we were in the ocean together just you and I? We talked about your mother and the rest of our days and all that I want to give her. Keep pushing me hija. Your sisters are both growing through tremendous changes. Hija, all of my children have a tremendous amount of capacidad. You are each very capable. There is nothing you can’t do.
Tu madre te manda un mensaje: ten cuidado a quien tu le dices tus cosas.
Te mandamos la bendicion,
And one day you wake up and decide to no longer be sad!
Today I woke up with the most energy I have had in a long time. I woke up wanting to create. I woke up wanting to accomplish things. I woke up wanting to write. For some reason I have blocked something internally!
I don’t really believe in writer’s block because I know there is always something to write about. As a writer, I absolutely know that there is material everyhwere. I know there is so much I could be writing–but the problem was I just haven’t been moved to write about anything until today.
Today I decided to write something, to respond to emails, to write letters, to write about loss… some losses I can honestly say have not brought me to tears and others have crippled me. I haven’t been experiencing writers block what I have done is put up an iron wall away from everyone and everything.
This block has been about self-preservation. I have been feeling like I have nothing more to give… I have showed up for everyone yet I haven’t shown up for myself.
Blocks aren’t necessarily bad things… sometimes you have to disconnect… sometimes you’ve got to shut down and shut everything and everyone out. And the trick is to not feel bad or guilty about it.
Before I went to sleep Hasita asked me one last question. Do you believe that people are hinderances? Are there people in your life who impede your growth?
My response is an honest NO! There is is no one that can stop me from doing what i am here to do–only I can do that!
I have the most amazing tribe… thank you for always being present and for all the love you constantly show me.
On this mountain I have learned to whisper my dreams and desires to the universe in silence, allowing the winds to carry my intentions.
And so it is. Namaste. Aché
With all my love,