Taking a leap a faith…
Not having a plan…
Staying calm no matter what is going on around me…
The symbolism of my injuring my hand…
These are the things heavily on my mind as I continue this journey. I had quite the scare on the mountain when I slipped today. I turned my neck too quickly and now its sprained. I must have pulled something or pinched a nerve. Vedanti suggested we rest today. We have been pushing too hard.
Lately I have been thinking about why it is that I run.
When the going gets tough.
When I feel scared or threatened.
When I feel unsafe.
Why is it that I run? Why is that I give up and resist?
Fight or flight? Fight or flight?
I have been thinking a lot about fighting. Why is that we fight? What are we fighting for? What are the things worth fighting for? Why do people fight each other? What does fighting the good fight mean really?
The fistfight… God! It has been years since I have had an actual physical altercation with another human being. Moments I am not particularly proud of. I probably had my last fight in my early twenties. It was a bar fight I actually kicked a woman off of a stage. What place must I have been in where violence was the answer? Where did my rage come from? Who was I so angry at?
I was so angry for so much of my young adult life. I believed that everyone was the enemy and everyone had it out for me. I had something to prove and putting my hands on someone was the proof that I was strong and shouldn’t be messed with.
In a conversation with Vedanti this evening I told her about my past, a past that I have been ashamed of and embarrassed to admit. My life has been a series of fights. I came to a place (and my daughter has a lot to do with it) where I just didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to argue to the death that the point I was trying to make was right… I finally let go of my desperate need to always be right! Fighting became exhausting and I came to realize that if the result that I wanted was about being heard then I was failing. When we fight no one wins and no one is being heard. I am done fighting… (The way I used to anyway). Today I am not going to fight this mountain because it will win. Today I will honor my thoughts around taking a leap, taking risks, adjusting my plan and aligning with people and experiences that bring me closer to what I actually want. Today I will stay calm no matter what is going on around me. Today I will choose not to fight. Today I choose flight! This is how I will take care of myself. Today I rest!
And so it is. Namaste. Aché
With all my love,
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