Nepal Trip ~ Day 33: At night I peel loose!

“It is not my job to show you your power!” This is what was whispered to me as I slept.

I woke up today in an empty cabin. Everyone has left me. No note. I am left to fend for myself and find my own way home—I am called to find my way down the mountain. I am in this far away land and have alienated myself from everything and everyone. I have achieved exactly what I wanted for myself on this mountain … to be alone with my soul.

No supplies.

No food.

No guides.

No home.

And just when I am sleeping peacefully…

I hear that whisper, “It is NOT my job or responsibility to show you your power! I can’t show you what you are not willing to see! I can’t show you what you refuse to see! If you see yourself as weak…then you are weak. If you see yourself without opportunities…then you are without! If your see yourself as strong, smart, beautiful and talented then you are strong, smart, beautiful and talented.”

It makes me question how often we look to others to show us who we are… and we do this because we are afraid to see. We are terrified that if we actually believe in the greatness we possess, in the talent we have to share, in the gifts we have been blessed with, in the purpose that only we can fulfill… if we REALLY believed these things then we would have no choice but to LIVE from this place… but only if we believe.

Sadly, we make the wrong choices and believe in the wrong things… often we make outside forces responsible for seeing our power. We look for validation in places we could never really get it… from others. As a writer who spends most of my time writing alone I can tell you there is no one here with me cheering me on. There is no one here telling me my writing is good. There is no one here telling me to keep going… that I matter… that my stories are important… that I was born to do this. Like everyone else… I have been waiting for it.

What I have discovered is that I have been blind. I have been putting little energy in the things that really matter to me… I have disregarded the things that make me happy. Because I wasn’t being filled the way I expected… waiting for my parade… all my expectations have led to huge disappointments. I have surrendered to low energy thoughts. I had almost given up on the journey. On this mountain I haven’t wanted to continue to come down. It’s easier to give up!

In my dream the message was about how I’ve been feeling and that I really am NOT who they want me to be. The other problem is that I am NOT living up to the many expectations they have of me.

REFLECTION

In a beautiful letter from my daughter she wrote:

“Mommy, its like people don’t like you. It’s like people resent you! They resent you for living the way that you live. They resent you for being happy with exactly what you have. They resent the path you have chosen! People want you to be who they expect you to be! We just want to be happy! I am so sick of them!”

Screen Shot 2014-06-20 at 9.27.08 AM

I admit that the thought of people disliking me brings tears to my eyes. That I could be so disliked because of who I am and what I have chosen for my life… this is sad. That there are those who rather see me fail, who rather see my fall, who rather see me miserable, who rather see me give up… all I can say to you is… I have failed, I have fallen, I have been miserable, I have given up!!! Does this make you happy? Does this bring you joy?

But here is the thing…

While there might be people who are not wishing me well… there are more who are lifting me. My daughter is my LIGHT!!! She said to me as a young child, “mommy, God sent me to protect you!” and I believe her. There is nothing negative that LOVE can’t heal. I am in the process of peeling!

 

At night I peel loose

All of me hanging free

I am not who they want me to be

I lay awake

Fears are my blanket

Failures my pillow

Skin exposed

Open

I am not who they want me to be

I am more than all of that

 

At night I peel loose

Distractions that keep me

False friends who can’t see me

An offering of light, love, loyalty

Words that don’t nourish

Poisoning my blood

 

At night I peel loose

Exposed

The truth of me

My greatest return

Put back together again

Reinvention

New intention

Restoration

 

At night I peel loose

The dead skin falling

At my feet

A new calling begins

I admit I wondered how they could leave me, but what I have discovered is that this is the part of the journey I must do alone? This is my final test. How I come out of this will determine my destiny.

Today I affirm I will focus on my talent and release all expectations!

And so it is. Namaste. Aché

With all my love,
Alicia

 

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© 2014 Alicia Anabel Santos. All Rights Reserved.

© 2014 BROOKLYN QUARTET. All Rights Reserved.
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2 thoughts on “Nepal Trip ~ Day 33: At night I peel loose!

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