In 2007 I attended a colloquium at which Haven Kimmel, author of several books including a favorite of mine called A Girl Named Zippy, was the keynote speaker.
It’s been years since I read Zippy. Not long before I was heading to the colloquium, I happened across a post at Shalee’s Diner reviewing it. The timing was fun, and I was glad she enjoyed it.
I also found the following interview at Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast (Why Stop at Six?). I think it captures the energy Haven exuded in person—plus, it provides bonus material we didn’t get during her message.
When I learned that Haven had three children, one of them quite young, I decided during Q&A to ask her what I ask every writer-mom:
How do you balance writing and motherhood?
I heard a rustle of response from the audience, but I couldn’t tell whether it was from mom-types who were wanting to know the same thing, or from people who knew her well and were shocked that I was asking this.
She answered carefully. I could be wrong, but I think she was aggravated and wasn’t sure how to begin. The bottom line she conveyed was that she doesn’t try to do it all, and she lets people help.
But the actual response was more involved.
She said, “When I was finishing up Zippy, my now-11-year-old son was between his first and second birthdays. He literally hung from my legs while I was at the computer. I had to listen to the Scooby-Doo theme song in the background while I worked. I was trying to be everything. And then I realized I didn’t have to do it all, and I’m okay with that.”
She now accepts help even for little things—if someone offers to walk her dogs, she used to resist, but has learned to accept the offer, because letting others help can actually be a ministry to those doing the helping.
She explained that her husband stays home with the kids so that she can write and teach (she’s not only a successful author but also a college professor).
It still astounds her, however, that after all these years, people are still so shocked and impressed that her husband stays home while she works. People say, “Oh, he’s such a hero.” Whereas, if she were staying home, they might say of her, “Oh, you’re a great mom,” but it wouldn’t occur to them that she was a hero for caring for the kids. So the fact that the roles are still so stereotyped after women having come such a long way seemed to disturb her.
Regarding the arrangement with her husband, she concluded quite simply, “…so I just let him be a dad.”
The following, however, was her strongest statement, and when she said it, she looked me straight in the eye:
“I’ll bet if I were a man, I would never have been asked this question.”
I shrugged kind of sheepishly and nodded.
She’s right. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask a dad how he balances parenthood and writing. Point taken.
I wondered for a few minutes if the progressive types in the audience thought of me as an anachronistic, 1950s-style housewife (wearing a scarf, no less!).
My mom, who actually was a 1950s housewife, worked as a professional journalist instead of staying home with her kids full time. She probably would be aggravated by the same question.
Other than feeling somewhat chastised by Haven Kimmel, I felt that the weekend did serve to breathe some literary life into me. I sat in on a workshop with poet Maurice Manning, and another about Writing from the Heart, led by Quaker author Brent Bill.
Other riveting facts: I collided with not just one colloquium attendee, but two. The first collision occurred when I threw my hand up in a big, bold gesture and smacked someone’s shoulder. The second time I stood up and turned too quickly—boom! “Oh, no! I’m sorry—you’re the second person I’ve run into today!”
Maurice Manning witnessed both.
At lunch, someone asked Maurice Manning if he had any kids. He said that no, he did not. He has a couple of dogs. And he’s a beekeeper. But no kids.
Too bad, because you’d better believe I was poised to ask him:
How do you balance fatherhood and writing?
I ran into Haven and her mom in the room set up as a temporary bookstore. I was buying a copy of Zippy, She Got Up Off the Couch, and The Solace of Leaving Early.
“How nice that I’m buying a stack of Haven Kimmel books right in front of Haven Kimmel!” I said.
Smooth, I am; very smooth.
She laughed, and I said, “I’m buying my very own copy of Zippy. I borrowed it from a friend when I first read it.”
“I hear that from a lot of people—it seems to get passed around a lot.”
“It’s been years since I read it,” I admitted, “but I’ve never forgotten the carrot episode.”
“Me neither!”
“It comes up a lot—the story, I mean, not the carrots.”
“It comes up a lot with people for me, too. A memorable moment.”
A memorable moment. Yes, that’s what I experienced—not just one, but several memorable moments that brought a surprise or two to my literary outing.
cardiogirl says
You know, Ann, I just have to jump in here and say just reading about Ms. Kimmel’s response to you has me peeved.
Granted, she is correct. Men are never asked how they balance family and work life. But why did she have to throw back on YOU?
We all know this is how society functions in America. It would be wonderful if all stay-at-home mothers (myself included) were referred to as heroes.
But reality tells us that is not the case. It’s not. You know it. I know it. And Ms. Havel knows it.
She could have said in a general sense that it is nice to be able to help move societal norms ahead by leading by example.
I don’t think you mis-represented her response. I’m sure she was diplomatic. It’s just that this is a huge button for ME. And Ms. Havel’s looking directly at you struck a nerve.
It feels like she is falling into the trap of women working against women. Again, this is my personal pet peeve and perhaps I am reading too much into this. It just seems that she could have delivered her response in a less personal way.
I say Hip Hip Hooray to any woman who is trying to raise a happy family and to follow her own dream simultaneously.
Let’s hear it for ALL the chicks out there.
cardiogirl says
Oops, I got her name wrong. (nervous chuckle) can you fix that for me. My rant sounds much more self-righteous when I get her name right, you know?
thank you (sheepish grin)
Karen - Surviving Motherhood says
Yes, Ann, you are smooth. 🙂
And I must say, I was a bit bothered by Ms. Kimmel responding that way to you, too. I think you had a good question, and while I understand and agree it would be great for women to be considered “heroes” for caring for their kids, I don’t like that she singled you out with that last comment.
Fun interaction at the book store, though!
Ann @ Holy Experience says
You asked the question that scratchers and Mamas, (and real writers and Mamas like yourself), want to know, need to know. How to be a mother, and how to answer the call to dream and dance with words?
And maybe, if the world was all it was meant to be, one *would* ask that question of every male writer? For parenting is priority, regardless of profession or gender…
The progressives in this cyber-audience think much of you and deeply appreciate your perspective.
Thank you, Ann….
All’s grace,
Ann
annkroeker says
cardiogirl & Karen: Thanks for posting such thoughtful, honest, and personal comments.
I should say right off the bat that I may have been reading into things a little bit myself and taking it personally in ways she never meant it. I should have pointed out that she was, after all, answering my question and she did look at me throughout her answer, not only at that one point.
I think she was diplomatic–that’s why I included as much as I could remember from her rather involved response.
I should tell you the story I overheard her tell at breakfast. She sat at the next table with her mom and another lady, and said that her baby was tossing and turning all night long, waking her up at 3:00 that morning in the hotel room.
So she’s a mom taking her family along with her for a speaking engagement, letting her baby squirm all around in bed at night I thought that was great.
She’s also very, very smart. I was impressed. It would have been handy to own a Blackberry just to type in all the vocabulary words I didn’t recognize and get a quick definition during her message.
And she was fun and funny, too.
I liked her. I wish I’d made that more clear.
annkroeker says
Ann: Hey, you slipped in there just as I was posting my comment-reply. Thanks for your kind and gracious words.
annkroeker says
And a rousing hip-hip-hooray to all you moms!